Thursday, April 21, 2005


I was reading last night and thinking about this whole blog thing. I decided to make this my chance to express myself as positively and without self-consciousness as I can. I can try and dig down and write about things without the sarcasm and negative thoughts that I am usually all about. I'm not really as negative as I come across but it seems as I get older the more I use it as a defense tactic. Sometimes I'm ok, but sometimes I am a huge explosive rant in order to cover up how i really feel or why. "she's a bitch" really means " i feel insecure around her" "I don't want to be anywhere near her" really means " i don't feel comfortable around her". It may be my need for attention or the fact that I am insecure but whatever. Vaness told me that blogging is therapeutic so I will try my best. I have a lot of things to work out right now. My crappy health, trying to have a little Joss to no avail, my husband wants to go off and work on some godforsaken oil rig to make us some sweet cash (which I am all for ....but there are some consequences)
Another big thing in my life is trying to stay (or go back) the person that I was before Dan. The girl that volunteered, wrote, painted, sang, attempted guitar, was "on the up and up" on the music scene. I have a lot of stuff that I want to try out and be doing before I have kids. I want to have kids that are exposed to everything : music, sports, art, literature, travel ....... I just want to be fully prepared before this happens. Maybe that is why things are happening the way they do (or rather; not happening) ......grrr the phone just rang and interrupted my thought.
We'll that's enough for right now....

does any of that even make any sense? who cares! it's therapeutic. I feel better!


Nessie V said...

there are certain levels of every life cycle. the first 50% of every cycle you go through involves just you and how can you make yourself healthy and happy. The next 50% is divyed up into learning lessons, teaching lessons and mastering life's lessons. But that's still 50% at the beginning that is dedicated just to yourself. So do what you gotta do. Focus on making yourself healthy and making a baby. Focus on being married. You can always come back to being a music buff and to volunteering. It doesn't make you a bad person. Hell, you've done more than a lot of people i know.
we are our own harshest critics.
be easy on yourself.

HKD said...

yes, i started blogging for the same pure my emotions.

(by the way, i've heard about you from vanessa, and i am sure she's told you about me, so "nice to meet you, i'm heather!")

and i am linking your blog from mine!

heather d.